Compromise, Closure and Other Words beginning with C

Hey my lovelies,

I hope this blog post finds you well. I promised I'd have another blog post up and ready for you soon and here it is. Finally. After many attempts and pesky things like essays and life getting in the way.

This is a particular blog post I've been toying around with for a while in terms of finding the right words and the correct tone to use for talking about the following topic. It was hard deciding if I even wanted to talk about it all because it's personal in a way my blog hasn't really been before, it's still something I'm journeying through, and because I am always hesitant of appearing oracular rather than observational.

But here we go. I'll try my best.

So way way back in October 2014 I had one of those big life-changing moments. You know one of those ones which you replay over and over in your head afterwards trying to use the measure of hindsight to wonder what on earth has just happened? In this particular instance this rippling confusion and hurt was due to something that happens to most people at some point in their lives: a breakup.

Breaking up with someone you are in a relationship with - regardless of how long that relationship lasted - is a positive whirlwind of emotions. The negative opposite to the swirling emotions of falling in love with that said person in the first place. You don't know how to act. You can't act. You just feel bombarded with thoughts and sensations.


TV shows like this reminded me that there is a flip side to every romantic
experience.
Falling in and out of love can be crippling in a way which is not fashionable, not talked about and misrepresented in society. The way the media (sensationalising and pouring over every detail) and many of us talk about breakups is not nuanced and ridiculous in some cases. Which can lead to even more feelings of low self worth and failure as we feel we are not acting in the 'normal' way.

So what I'd like to use this blogging space to do today is to not divulge the own details or my breakup as I feel like that is still a personal thing which the internet does not need to intrude on, as it is not fair on me or the other person to air dirty laundry to the masses. The post of this post is to shed light, as neutrally as possible, on disbanding some of the myths and language that surround breakups. To make them something that is okay to talk about even when don't even know the right words to say or the correct thing to say in response.


People's experiences of pain - just like love - are not always universal and they have their own personal emphasises and nuances. So I present you with my experience today and some of this may resonate with you, but not all, and that's okay because we are all different people. Thus our relationships and emotions are different too.


Here are some of the things that my breakup taught me:

1. The emotions of breakups are not linear
This is a really important one. When our hearts seem to be pulling apart the way we put them back together is not going to be as straightforward as attach part A to part B. The whole myth of the stages of grief or ways of dealing with difficult emotions neglects to mention that people can go back and forwards between longing, loss, anger, desire, numbness etc. A cyclical stereotypical way of looking at breakups creates unrealistic expectations both personally and society which can prevent people actually talking about how they feel in the time after a relationship ends. We progress, we regress, we fade, we wax, we wane, and that is ALL okay.

2. Your support system is immensely important
I honestly do not know how I would have got through the past year or so without the incredibly wonderful people that I have had by my side. Whilst no one can deal with your post-breakup emotions for you, you do not have to go through them on your own. Having the right people around you - be they family, friends, flatmates etc. - means that when you can't get out of bed, when you don't want to eat, when you need a distraction, when you need a hug, when you need tissues, when you need to rant, and even when you don't know what you need, the isolating experience of a break up is made that little bit less lonely. And it's also another important reason why you don't make your relationship the only part of your life because then when it ends your support system becomes essentially and scarily - only you. Thank you to everyone who has been there for me, even when you weren't sure what you were doing helped, just you being there did.

3. Relationships are not something you 'get over'
The phrase of 'getting over' a breakup or relationship is ridiculous. Regardless of the duration of a relationship it is more important to process and work through things rather than just ignoring or rushing to move past feelings. Moving on is important but that doesn't just been forgetting everything in the past. This has been a part of your life and so work to your own timescale and if anyone tells you to 'get over it' or that its 'puppy love' so you'll be fine soon enough it's up to you regarding how politely you wish to correct them.

It is a courageous act to start a relationship with someone and this should never be
minimised to something which has to be 'got over'.

4. You will not always achieve enlightenment or closure
This has been a point that I have found myself struggling with for a good while now. The way that some individuals tend to rationalise or assist themselves in dealing with a breakup is to discover what you've learnt/gained from the relationship or to find closure with the circumstances surrounding the situation.  Yet for some this more difficult or not possible. In these instances there is an opportunity not to rely on this deeper meaning or clarity to occur but to make your own. There will not be a sudden gain of acceptance or making sense of it all but is more likely to occur over a period of time and processing. Breakups are not a cleansing transcendence for everyone and that's okay. Even if you don't reach a point of enlightenment or closure being able to work through your thoughts and move this experience further into the past is realistically achievable.

These lines from Woody Allen's Annie Hall are as resonant to me now as they
were the day I first heard them. The day after my break up. Relationships don't
make sense and a lot of them don't work but however irrational falling in love is: it's worth it.

5. Time actually important - but on your own terms
There are hundreds of clichés that surround break ups and one of the few clichés that actually means something is that 'time heals'. I don't say this to be patronising and I won't wax lyrical about it. For some this will be a few days for others over a year but time eases the flow of negative thoughts that breakups create. Eventually we get to a point where we think of our ex less, or its hurts less when we do. And we even can get to a point where we feel like risking our heart on that big gamble which is love, again. Time is important but there is no estimated duration of how long recovering from a break up takes, define it yourself.

6. We are all different, don't compare yourself to others
This blog post is unashamedly subjective and as much as we try to create a dialogue of commonality around relationships and breakups they are all different. Just as we don't experience being in relationships the same - because the two people involved are different than other two people in another relationship - so too are breakups specific. By generalising or overusing examples from people you know 'So and so managed to be friends with her ex' or 'Such and such broke up with their partner but they're back together now' can isolate people or pressure them to live up to that experience and get frustrated that their breakup doesn't follow the patterns of others. Comparing your breakups with other peoples is not going to help you process yours.

7. Be compassionate, and you can be angry too
Those of you who know me would probably agree that I am one of the least angry people you know, saving my wrath for those who cross my friends and rarely getting irate over slights made to me. My method of dealing with things is usually to be kind, but never really to myself. Shouting matches or arguments were never something I revelled in experiencing or reached to as an option. So one of the parts of my break up which has been beneficial is learning that I have a right to be angry too. That people can't just come in and stamp on your emotions and think that's okay. I have a voice and can use that to impassionedly speak up for myself not just others. This discovery of anger hasn't meant that I've gone round starting fights with people but it has meant that I have been able to express negative emotions the breakup caused in a more healthy way. Being kind to yourself is important sometimes that means being angry is vital too. If you try and walk that delicate emotional-tightrope of not hating your ex and not being in love with them, like I did, then a compassionate anger is difficult but worth it. 

8. Music/Writing/Reading/Films/TV/Culture is a saving grace
In times of happiness and in times of crisis it is these things which can become our touchstones, our way back to ourselves and through ourselves into who we are actually meant to be. It rephrases and feels our pain in an outer expression of our inner chaos. As an English Literature student and just through being me I have always felt that cultural elements have had a lot to teach and guide me in ways that therapists, family, friends and others can sometimes not quite reach. Phrases from books, strong characters from films, excellent dialogue from television shows, and lyrics which just reach into your heart and turn the inexpressible confusion of living into something which makes a little more sense. Whilst we are confused, too full of thoughts or isolated these cultural foundations provide much needed respite. Whenever I was just hiding away from the world by binge watching television, immersing myself in someone else's experience for several hours by going to the cinema, loudly blaring music to block out the other people in the world as I walked through it hurting, or - as always - seeking solace in literary realms, these taught me lessons I didn't even know that I needed. The greatest commentators on love or pain are not always the ones which are revered for the generations but whichever speak into the your experience. Hence why this blog post is littered with so many pictures of quotes that have spoken to me over the past year or so. Culture, words and so much more can be just what you need to hold onto when a breakup makes you feel like its all falling apart. And writing helps me understand it too.


9. It will hurt
You can't sugarcoat the experience of breaking up with someone. Both persons involved will be hurt if they care and this pain demands to be felt - often and insistently. When you invest part of your heart and time in another person you often risk the pain that no longer being with them brings. But hurting is not a constant experience and despite being tested on this I still possibly think that it's better to love someone and get hurt when it ends than never love anyone in order to not get hurt.


<3


10. This will change you, and you can't know how, but you can control it
'Breakup' is a really inadequate term to describe the ending of a relationship as it feels so much more than a break for some. For me it has felt more like an ongoing fracturing, because it affects various parts of your life and you in ways that you wouldn't have ever really thought about. These changes can be positive or negative depending on how you use the experience. For instance one of the most common things people say to those who have recently experienced a 'breakup' or is even given as a reason for breaking up is that: you'll have more time to work on yourself and find out who you are. I mean yes, on a practical level you have more hours in the day do things for yourself but being single isn't a magical thing which changes who you are just how being in a relationship doesn't mean you become another person entirely (if it does this is concerning). People change this is true, and breakups can influence that as they cause you to question what you want and what is your priority. These changes can be temporary or permanent, but I guess what I'm saying is you don't have to change but one of the few positives is that it gives you the opportunity to. I'm not who I was 2 years ago, I've taken risks, had adventures and honesly became someone I like more but that is more due to me than the situation of the breakup, that was just the prompt. I guess what I'm trying to say is breakups can be a catalyst for change - good or bad - and it's up to you.

Yeah One Tree Hill has a lot of good quotes... This one epitomises of how breakups
can cause us to feel like we don't deserve to love again but that this is so so so wrong.


11. Your mind will become your best friend and your worst enemy
This might be another highly subjective point but I'm going to share it with you anyways. Being someone who worries A LOT and doesn't exactly know how to relax or switch her mind off, meant that experiencing a break up was particularly hard. I was constantly replaying memories and conversations, recalling dates and fuelling my pondering by rereading old messages. I couldn't let go or stop thinking about my ex or the break up because my mind just would not let me. This meant that I was locked in a vicious thought cycle by trying not to think about it or trying not to forget the good times either. To be honest there are still emotional echoes that resonate through films, places, memories and don't allow me to let go of what has gone before. Your mind can remind you of all the crappy things that should mean you should be happy about no longer being with someone but it also will replay your highlights reel meaning you wonder where on earth it all 'went wrong'. I still haven't totally learnt how to deal with this but I guess you just have to be kind to your thoughts, allowing them to cross your mental landscape and knowing that eventually you will either not think about them at all or do so in good way.

The lyrics of this song by Five Seconds of Summer always make me cry because
sometimes I just want to forgot all the good and all the bad parts.



12. Social media is your enemy
You will find yourself checking various websites more often than you think are possible. The prolific ingrained reflex of social media checking becomes even more enhanced when you experience a breakup. You will either see more than you want to know, have too much of an opportunity to contact people when you might benefit from some time without contact, or see nothing and get agitated by the distance and silence. The way in which you want to handle this online interaction very much depends on your personal feelings and honestly none of us can judge because we've been there.

13. Be Selfish
Sometimes you can't do what is best for others and you've got to look out for yourself. I'm aware that I might be sounding very hypocritical writing this right now as I tend to not really be selfish with my time, as I genuinely enjoy spending time with other people and keeping busy. And I am not encouraging you to become a totally selfish individual who doesn't care about other people at all, more to embrace taking moments for yourself and being selfish with your time. Whilst there are two people in relationships when it comes to post-break up you need to focus on looking after yourself, embracing your own emotions not other peoples, and doing what works for you. Also post break-up means that you can embrace having a better self-care regime within relationships and when you're single by actively doing stuff just for you. Going to a movie that you want to see just because you want to, treating yourself to things that make you feel good, being content with your own company, making plans with people you haven't seen in a while, and going on holidays/to concerts/for nights out without a significant other means that being selfish cultivates better independence and is how you can learn to love yourself more through a breakup. Reinforcing how fabulous you are along the way.


Gilmore Girls is my favourite TV show and a place full of wisdom and Rory dealing with
her first breakup learnt this lesson just like I had to. You can't distract yourself forever.

Lorelai knows how to comfort.

14. Things are not separate
This is a large part of what makes breakups so confusing. You cannot place things neatly into 'things that are not associated with you' and 'things that are' categories because when your heart gets involved it becomes a whole lot more messy and complicated than that. Especially when like me you tried to strike a middle ground between throwing out every single item that holds a shard of connection with them and holding onto these exact same items to weep in remembrance over. I wanted to honour the good parts of my relationship post-break up but not be reminded every single moment of the day that it was gone. This is harder said than done, and I still don't really know if I succeeded. There are some things we gain from a relationship like a love of fountain pens, a new favourite tv show, an extremely comfy quilt, or an admiration for a particular director which after investing so much time in they become more something of your own regardless of where they originated from. These are good. And then there are the flip sides of the things you can't thinking of them because of or end up hating because they remind you of them too much. And a whole host of things in between which you have to muddle your way through and change your mind over several times. I prefer the Lorelai Gilmore method of 'breakup boxes' where instead of throwing everything out you put it into a box until you're ready to look at it again and remember the good times. You don't have to cut everything out but do what works for you. Just try not to feel bad about the mixed emotions a breakup creates.


This is just one of the many reasons why breakups are hard.



15. You are worth it
Whether you are single, in a relationship, recently broken up with someone (on either side of the break up) or whatever situation you find yourself in you are important, and loved and worth more than you can imagine. You are an incredible human being. Yep, you right now reading this. You will experience love and pain and every emotion in between and you may not always be graceful within that experience but you are right now, always have been, and always will be worth every single hard-won smile and buckets of happiness out there that it is possible for you to experience.

Whilst I don't know if Twain actually said this it is one of my fav quotes
and one I find myself needing to remember more often. You are so worth it, and
deserve the best. Don't stop seeking it!



Other thoughts:

I truly believe that Love is liberating (Maya Angelou) and will not stop seeking for one that makes me feel that way even when breakups feel like a song stuck inside my head.

Also, language is inadequate. When we say 'love' or 'break up' these are terms which can never truly convey the millions of little emotions and connections which form the associations individuals have with them in reality. Love doesn't always feel like the most magical thing in the world, its composed of people and people are fallible. But when it's right, when it's important, when it's a positive force not a negative drain - you make it work. Break ups are not like having you heart broken which you patch up and move on. They leave scars, imprints of words said and memories shared, even when the gap heals.

Things that have helped:
Annie Hall, Amnesia by 5SOS, Harry Potter (HP helps everything), Taylor Swift, Perks of Being A Wallflower, Wuthering Heights, Fix You - Coldplay, Goo Goo Dolls - Iris, Grenade, friends, family, Gilmore Girls, writing, When Harry Met Sally, Italy, taking risks, saying 'I Love You', cuddles, One Tree Hill, Foo Fighters, Byron, love, sleep, crying, eating, exercise, new friends, talking, getting angry, endless music, ParkRun, flatmates, best friends, feeling beautiful, colouring, saying how I feel, Reasons To Stay Alive by Matt Haig, flowers, letters, doing things on my own, giving myself second chances, and trying to articulate myself in this blog post.

There are a lot of myths which still permeate our society about love, breakups and relationships. Many of which are more irritating or more true to certain people as experiences are often subjective. People will always say phrases to me which I will disbelieve like 'puppy love', 'you can't know what love is when you're that young', 'you'll get over it'...

We have a lot of phrases that we just reach to that we think are applicable to everyone because they were what worked for us but that's not always the best way to interact. We need to remember the specifics of situations and actually listen to people.

Yes, I'm not the same dewy-eyed Romantic that I was 5 years ago. But that's okay. People change. They grow up. They grow together. They grow apart. They grow into themselves. We change what we value, we adapt to circumstance. We try new things. We learn what we will and will not tolerate, and learn more of what we actually want. Sure it might take a lot of trying to get there and we will make mistakes along the way (sometimes people-shaped ones) but moving forwards is better than standing in the echoes of the past.


Search for the best kind and don't compromise on it.
And yes over the past year and a half I have been in a place where I've questioned what love is, what the point of it all is, and just decided to hide back from life a bit more. To learn to love me and to learn to love love again. During this period the irriation which I had with PDA increased to new levels and the profusion of relationships I was surrounded with made me at best uncomfortable and at worst irritated. The daggers my eyes were throwing at couples in my proximity could have cut my fringe if it had been longer. I just resented relational-happiness when I could not feel it myself. As petty as it sounds to say that now it's true. I felt left out/kicked out of some special group which I was no longer able to count myself as part of. I fluctuated between hating relationships and wanting to be in one. From wanting to protect my heart from everyone and then wanting to give it to anyone. Sometimes even on the same day. Yet a constant irritation of not feeling like I understood and being part of a cliff-hanger ending to this chapter of my life hung over me.

BUT that is never the end of the story. We may not always be able to get the closure we desire or deserve from a break up, or other confusing/painful aspects of our lives. And equally there are somethings we cannot compromise on and our own happiness should not be severed. There are many words beginning with 'C' that I could use to describe my experience with a break-up, and really just many words in general that I could use - not all of those particularly polite :P However the important thing is to realise, from what I've learnt from my own personal observations, the benefits of talking about break ups - honestly and openly. When this happens and we do not stick to prescribed narratives for our 'acceptable emotions' then we can really make a change. Whether you approach that conversation with yourself, your close friend or other important people in your life or just randomly on the internet like me - the fact that we don't shy away from the personal or painful is to be celebrated and supported.


We cannot live in the memories of past relationships be they good or bad. We have to live
and move forward - however that may work for each one of us.



I'll leave you with one final 'C' word: Courageous.

There are many types of courage in the world and many people to be praised for practicing it but the special brand of courage it requires to get up in the mornings when you're confused about who you are and where your life is going and getting to a point where you love yourself for who you are, that allows the break up experience to shape you positively rather than negatively. And also the courage to end a relationship that is clearly not making you happy or realising that you've both just grown out of the people you were when you fell in in love is to be valued.


Another brutally applicable Annie Hall quote.


Yet this valuing often occurs retrospectively as the pain that accompanies courage is makes it hard to appreciate this virtue.



There are many sides to stories of relationship and breakups, and they do not always have the concrete ending that is easy to analyse, but this folks has been mine.

Thank you muchly for reading this post, and I'll be back with another update soon.

Much fictional love,
M x

Song of The Post: There are way too many appropriate songs for this so have a selection -

Worth It - Fifth Harmony










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