A Bit of Backstory

Hello there dear readers,

I hope your respective Friday evenings are full of the relaxation or celebration you need after a long week. For me it has felt a busy yet lovely one but I am slowly losing a sense of what day of the week it is as they are all blurring into one, so the weekend is a welcome break.

However in contrast to my light hearted blog posted this morning I'd like to take this chance to write about something serious and personal if you'll bare with me. As today is World Mental Health day I'd like to share with you my experience with mental health issues.

Since I started writing  a blog I have debated using it as a method of 'confession' and I feel like today I am doing so for the right reasons and not for gratuitous publicity. Please feel free to tell me if anything does sound preachy!

I'm not a hundred percent sure how to begin and I don't feel like sugar coating things is the way to voice this aspect of my life so I'll just state it boldly. I have suffered from, and still feel the struggle is ongoing with, depression linked to  self-harm, suicidal thoughts and occasional bulimia.

Before you all panic and rush to offer to console me or give advice I'd like to state that it has been over  3 years since I self-harmed or made myself sick and I consider myself not medically depressed yet living with the side-effects of that experience. Do not panic. This is not a cry for help merely a confession long over due to those of you who do not know.

As most of those who know me realise I am mostly a very happy person  person who is prone to fits of giggles and full of life and love for living. I understand then it is difficult to imagine this experience I have had in relation to that persona especially if I have met you at university and you did not witness my behaviour in my GCSE years of school where I was more overtly melancholic.

I share this experience with you (not in any great detail- although feel free to ask me any questions about it you may have) on this World Mental Health Day 2014 as the point of such a day- in my view a very important one- is to raise awareness and understanding of mental illnesses, such as depression, and reduce the ridiculous but deeply installed stigma that society has created surround them.

If this blog post reduces peoples opinion of me because they consider having a mental illness as something to be hushed up then I feel sad for them and concerned about their attitude as everyone, whatever they journey through in life deserves love and affection.

Depression is a difficult topic for me, and I think others to talk about, because for someone who has experienced it it brings back painful memories and emotions that are hard to dwell on and also because it affects every individual differently and to talk about it generally can be dangerous. I would never presume to be an oracle on the subject and act like my experience is the way others journey through depression, as it varies with the person.

I shall speak then only of my own experience, I have found depression to be linked with secrecy and loneliness. Whilst I knew rationally that I was loved by my family and had many friends who did too I felt isolated and the already low self-esteem meant that this was difficult to see. Also it made me feel weak so that was hard to vocalise what I was going through because I felt ashamed of acting that way.

No illness should ever be shameful and it is not weakness to undergo mental health issues or speak about them as they are equally as debilitating to live with.

I would never be able to sit here at this moment writing to you all if I had not learned that human beings are not PERFECT. We all suffer, some do so quietly and alone with no support and others do not. Retrospectively I can now feel strong and see own my depression and scars as a part of me, a vulnerability that I live with but I am not ashamed of, nor will I ever be and nor should any of you reading this who have or are suffering from mental health issues. Because the illness which you live with is not your fault and I am a living example of how it is possible to get to the other side, not recover but control my urges and moods. This takes time, learning, a range of emotions and for me a lot of counselling but each of you have your own path and hopefully people to support you through this time as that is one of the main reasons I am here today.

I hope that by reading about my experience with depression- as condensed and oversimplified as it may seem here- will do it's own bit to make you realise you do not have to suffer in silence, that it is an illness you can recover from and there is always someone there to talk to.

I have scars but they are beautiful to me as I wouldn't be the woman I am today without them and I wish all of you to know out there with mental illnesses that there are others who have been there and all the other emotions you feel are valid (there is a range believe me) but do not ever feel ashamed of who you are and what you are going through,

So there's my brief 10 cents on the subject, it's hard for me to say but for this World Mental Health day it is fair to share some of my ongoing journey with you all.

I'm nowhere near finished but I feel proud of where I have got to.

Love you all so much now and always.
Megan xx